Painted this big ol' smile on my face to hide my broken heart

Drifter is getting worse. He's had a few more seizures, and more accidents in the house that aren't connected to him having a seizure. Loosing control? I think the seizures are taking a toll on his body causing him to have this accidents in the house now even when he's not having a seizure. I noticed on the weekend he's having trouble with his back legs... they move very stiffly and sometimes in a funny gait. His back legs have never given him trouble before. His body is dying while his mind isn't. His body is giving out, worn down, quitting while his mind is still happy, ready to keep going and bright. It's not fair, this would be so much easier if his mind was failing too. I'm heartbroken, depressed, frantic to try and avoid what I know is coming. I try to deny its going to happen, whats happening but it doesn't work very well. My baby is dying, there is no way around it.

I look at Boone and I think of Drifter, how Boone fails so much in comparison. It's not fair to Booney, I know but I can't help it. How do you go from best to second best? How do you lose the most important being in your life and move on? How do you not get angry, not blame those that aren't to blame? I feel so lost, I feel like I've failed in protecting him, told him I'd never let anything hurt him every again but here he is, hurting.

Remember the good times I'm told, well how?! I remember them and then think that those times are gone, he's dying I won't ever see that again.
I'm told he's just a dog. No he's not! He's so much more to me, he means so much more then anyone in my life. It's like loosing a child. Sure you can have more but it won't be the same won't be him.
I'm told I'll get over it. Maybe... someday, maybe not. Maybe the pain will just grow more dull over time but never truly go away. I doubt I'll ever get over it fully. You'll get over the death of you grandfather, your child, your mother won't you? That's what I thought.

I'm so sorry Riffer-roo...